3. One moment can change your life

I found the lump on Mothers Day.

I had just finished reading to my 3 year old who now lay cuddled up next to me in his big boy bed, singing random notes and phrases. I wiped his sweaty hair from his forehead. Both of us were still sticky from a full day of play-doh, picnics and chases around the back yard.

As my boy tossed about, so did my mind. It was the usual. A ping pong match of mixmatched perceptions. Of gratitude for this amazing little piece of myself laying beside me. But also of resentment, inequity and victimhood handed down from the many mothers before me.

My mind was busy pointing fingers, while my fingers were busy pointing me to a hidden truth. Unconsciously I slid my hand up to adjust my bra, releasing my damp skin from my underwire. My focus zapped back to my body. I felt something. A curious pea sized pebble just below my skin. My eyes widened and my body stiffened as I explored it.

Immediately, I was teleported back to 9th grade health class. All of us girls were handed out grubby silicone boobs stocked with these same curious pebbles. A treasure hunt of sorts. Here I was again, finding the pearl.

I knew immediately. Which is odd, because never once before that moment had I given this possibility even a thought. Hell, I’d never even checked myself regularly. Cancer was never in my cards.

I blinked away the water mounding over my eyelids as the heaviness of this moment set in. I held it all inside except these quiet tears. I didn’t want to alarm or disturb my innocent son. Quiet like a volcano.

I had haphazardly stumbled on a key that would unlock a new chapter in my life story. A plot twist I never saw coming even though somehow I knew it had been written long ago.
And as this fateful page unfolded, I knew there was no going back.

Of all the days. Mother’s Day. Of all the places my breast. It seemed too scripted.

So like a child who finally made it up the towering ladder to the top of the high dive I felt trapped. The way back was impassable, crowded with scowling impatient kids. I knew my only choice was to walk forward and jump into the unknown. Every fiber of me was not ready to cross this threshold, but I knew in my soul it was my destiny.